August 22nd, 2005 (Critique needed!)

(The following is a contest entry that I'm entering. Please give me critizism.)


“Nathanial, can you solve problem 17?” asked the 8th grade teacher, Mrs. Wilson, as she sat down at the teacher's desk. Sabrina Stillings lifted her head and looked over her shoulder to see who Nathanial was. She was the new girl at Colora Junior High and spent most of the morning learning the names of her fellow classmates. She was short, lanky, and well developed for her age. She had long dirty, blond hair and green eyes. She wore casual clothes today, a black t-shirt with a cute design of a heart on the front, blue jeans, and white sneakers.

A boy she assumed was Nathanial stood up from his desk and began to walk towards the erase board. He was very pale and tall, had short brown hair that stood up in odd places in the back and sides; she could only assume that he didn't brush his hair in the morning. His eyes were a deep blue with a vacant, dream like state. He wore a plain gray t-shirt and jean shorts with worn out black shoes. Several kids snickered as he walked to the board and grabbed the marker. He began solving the equation effortlessly. As he worked on the complex equation, a paper ball flew across the room and smacked him in the back of the head. Sabrina frown as everyone began laughing.

“Quiet down,” said Mrs. Wilson, completely ignoring the fact that he had paper thrown at him. Nathanial stopped the problem for a moment, the marker shook as he squeezed it in his hand for a moment, but he continued to solve the problem. Once completed, he turned around and walked away.

Mrs. Wilson looked at the board and shook her head. “That's wrong. Billy, please redo Nathanial's mistake,” she said as Nathanial sat down, looking down at the desk. Sabrina frowned again and turned to the back of her book and found the answer to the problem. She was outraged to find that he had done it right. She looked up at the board and when Billy was finished and came up with the exact answer, Mrs. Wilson smiled. “Very good Billy, go sit down.” Again she felt outraged at the treatment Nathanial was given. She looked back at him to find him staring blankly at the desk, his face emotionless.

The rest of the class period went by slowly. After getting their assignment for tomorrow, the class was dismissed for lunch. Sabrina sat by several other girls for lunch she had met earlier today. “Did you see how Mrs. Wilson was treating Nathanial? Shouldn't she be fired for that?” asked Sabrina.

“Who cares about that freak anyway?” said Marcia. “He's a loser. No one cares about him.”

Sabrina looked like she was slapped in the face. “Why say such a mean thing? Do you even know him?”

“No. He lives at the orphanage. He only comes here because the orphanage can't afford a tutor,” she said, her eyebrows raised. “Why do you care?”

“Because he was openly embarrassed in class, by his classmates and teacher, and no one did anything about it?” said Sabrina.

“I doubt he cares. He's like a zombie,” said Shayla. “I haven't heard him say a word since the fourth grade.”

“With how you treat him, I probably wouldn't want to talk to you anyway,” she said as she looked at the tables behind her. She spotted Nathanial eating by himself, the nearest person about five feet away. She picked up her tray of food and walked away from the girls and towards Nathanial. She set her tray on the opposite side of the table of him and took a seat.
He instantly froze, slowly looked up from his tray of food and at her. She shivered as he looked at her, his face was paler up close. He had circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. After a moment of awkward silence, she decided to break the ice. “Hey, what's up?” she asked him.

He didn't answer. He continued to look at her with his vacant expression, his eyes locked on her face as if he was trying to study what she was thinking. Starting to feel uncomfortable, she was determined to stand her ground. “Terrible food today, huh? I don't like chicken pot pie very much; I'd rather have beef. What do you think?” she asked him, giving him a small smile in hopes to get him to talk.

Again, he did not answer. He titled his head to the side in curiosity. He grabbed the apple off his tray and slow brought it up to his mouth and took a bite from it. As he chewed, his set the apple back down and swallowed.

“I can leave you alone, if you want,” she said quietly, starting to feel uncomfortable. He tilted his head again, the other way this time. Then there was a loud crashing sound, a boy had thrown his tray on the ground to make a loud noise. Sabrina jumped in her seat from the loud noise, but Nathanial had jumped so badly he had fallen out of the chair. Everyone laughed as he slowly got up. Sabrina caught a glimpse of his face, which was no longer blank, but full of fear and anger, his eyes no longer dreamy but full of fire. He grabbed his tray and picked it up, taking it to the garbage. As he walked, one of the boys extended his foot to trip him. Not seeing the foot, Nathanial tripped over him, crashing hard as he landed on his chest and face, his tray sliding across the floor. There was an eruption of laughter. His face was out of her view but she knew that the humiliation was clear. He continued to walk to the garbage, disposed of his food, and left the cafeteria.

A few minutes later, Sabrina walked out of the cafeteria towards the playground. She had about half an hour to play before the next class started. She walked over to the swings and sat on them. She couldn't help to feel bad about Nathanial. She couldn't imagine how much he was hurting inside. She could only guess how Nathanial was feeling. He had a full year of this to cope with; she wondered how he could stand this for so long.

As she swung on the swing set, she saw him sitting at the table beside the doors, playing with a puzzle. Deciding at a second attempt to communicate with him, she got off the swing set and walked over to him. As she approached him, she saw that he was working on a very difficult puzzle. Most of the pieces were blank or had little design, and the pieces were tiny.
For the second time, she sat at the opposite end of him, he instantly froze again. “Mind if I join you?” asked Sabrina, hoping to get a response. For a few moments, he didn't say or do anything. With a shrug of his shoulders, he grabbed a handful of puzzle pieces and moved them over to her.

She smiled at the gesture and began working on the puzzle with him. She had a hard time figuring out which piece went where, but he seemed to know exactly where each piece was supposed to go. For every puzzle piece she placed, he had done about a dozen pieces. Several minutes passed, and the puzzle was nearly completed. “One last piece,” said Sabrina as she reached for it, only to find his hand.

She blushed as she realized she had grabbed his hand. It felt cold. Sabrina looked at him, who had frozen again. She let go of his hand and drew hers back to her side. “Sorry,” she said sheepishly. He looked up at her and tilted his head once again. Without looking, he picked up the last puzzle piece and placed it on the board, completing it.

“Looks like we're finished,” she said with a smile. He straightened his head and looked down, seeing that it was. For the first time, he also smiled. It looked very out of place and odd. Before she could open her mouth to ask if he wanted to do another puzzle, a basketball collided with his head. From the sudden impact of the basketball to the head, he got knocked off the chair.

Sabrina looked around for the ones responsible. Not too far from them stood a group of boys, laughing and pointing at Nathanial.

“What the hell are you doing!” yelled Sabrina as she stood up, walking over to them. “He wasn't doing anything to you, why did you do that!”

“Because, he's a freak,” said the tallest of them. “Go play with your boyfriend,” they said as one of the boys ran after the ball as it rolled away from Nathanial, who was slowly getting up.

“You shouldn't call him a freak,” she said, glaring at him. “He's no different than you or me, so you don't you shove that basketball up your ass and leave him alone,” she said. She turned from the boys, but saw that Nathanial was gone. She looked around to see if she could spot him, but the class bell rang.

The rest of the day went slowly as class dragged on. Sabrina found Nathanial back in class, but made no attempt to talk to him. He was still bullied by the fellow students and even the teacher on occasion. As the last class of the day ended, Nathanial was the first to leave the classroom and she didn't see him in the halls.

Sabrina left the school and walked down the sidewalk, observing the leaves of the trees changing color. It was different in Maryland than back in Florida. Here it was much cooler, especially at this time of year. As Sabrina turned the corner, she could hear yelling not too far away from her. She walked to the source of the yelling. From what she could tell, it was a fight.

At the end of the block, Sabrina gasped as she saw Nathanial and three of the boys from earlier that today fighting on a front lawn. She dropped her school bags and ran over to the fighting boys. Nathanial was on the ground and the three ganged up on him, kicking and punching him as he tried to cover himself.

“Get the hell off him!” shouted Sabrina and she grabbed one of the boys and turned him around, kicking him in the groin. As he fell to the ground, the other two boys stopped their assault on Nathanial and turned their attention to Sabrina.

“What do you think you're doing, you stupid girl?” asked the taller of the boys. She recognized as the one who threw the ball at Nathanial at lunch.
Sabrina stood her ground, despite the fact that the two boys were much stronger than her. “Stopping you from hurting my friend!” she yelled at him. The boy shoved Sabrina, who losing her balance and fell to the ground.

“Take that you stupid bitch!” he yelled.

As the boy turned around, Nathanial had punched him square in the nose. Blood dripped from his nose as he fell on his back. His friend took a swing at Nathanial but he dodge the blow and punched him on the jaw.

“Let's get out of here!” said the boy who was punched in the nose. The three got up and ran away from him. Sabrina looked up at Nathanial as he slowly turned his head toward her. He had a bloody nose and lip and his eye was swelling. He spat out blood as he rubbed the back of his hand across his nose and lip; he stared at the blood. He turned his attention away from his hand and he extended his clean hand to help her up.

She took the hand and he pulled her to her feet. As she regained balance, she brushed herself off. “Thanks...” she said, looking at him. His face was blank, blood began to drip from his nose again and down his lip. “You should get that looked at, okay?” she said as she turned around to grab her backpack.

“You're welcome,” said a soft voice from behind. Sabrina stopped, turned around, and looked at Nathanial.

“No problem,” she said as she looked at him, blinking in surprise. He tilted his head, placed his hands in his pockets, turned to walk away. She smiled as Nathanial walked back home. She walked back to grab her backpack and brushed it off before walking home, eager to see her new friend tomorrow.

The traditional spelling of Nathanial is Nathaniel with an e, if you're interested.
Other than that, good? xD

Spelling stays. Anything else?

Nathanial reminds me of me. Except I never shut up, and I prefer more colorful clothing, and I don't get bullied, but either way, he for some reason makes me think of me.

Oh, and awesome!

As I enjoyed reading this small entry of yours, I found it...lacking of something. Might be just me being cold but I didn't feel any emotions when Nathanial got bullied by the other students. Perhaps it is just me but I just wanted to point it out. But I just had to smile when they finally got some kind of contact with each other. At the end it actually made me want to read more due to that single line. It made me curious: ''What will happen between those two I wonder?'' Questions like these popped up in my mind.

Don't want to sound like an ass but here is my final score out of this short review of mine.

7/10

The reason I give this score is because of as I mentioned above: I didn't get angry nor did I feel pity towards the person Nathalian. I myself have been in these kind of situations but..I don't know I couldn't feel an ounce of anger or sympathy when I saw the other students mock and humiliate him. So to be completely honest if it wasn't for that single line I would have given this a 5 out of 10. But don't take it too seriously as I am by no means an expert. But take it as you will.

I do hope to see more entries of this sort. I am sure you can do even better than this.

P.S Looking forward to that book of yours; The Seattle Massacre.

Sincerely EvilMegaCookie.

Yeah, you kind of have to relate to Nathanial to feel any emotions about about him.

EvilMegaCookie wrote:

As I enjoyed reading this small entry of yours, I found it...lacking of something. Might be just me being cold but I didn't feel any emotions when Nathanial got bullied by the other students. Perhaps it is just me but I just wanted to point it out. But I just had to smile when they finally got some kind of contact with each other. At the end it actually made me want to read more due to that single line. It made me curious: ''What will happen between those two I wonder?'' Questions like these popped up in my mind.

Don't want to sound like an ass but here is my final score out of this short review of mine.

7/10

The reason I give this score is because of as I mentioned above: I didn't get angry nor did I feel pity towards the person Nathalian. I myself have been in these kind of situations but..I don't know I couldn't feel an ounce of anger or sympathy when I saw the other students mock and humiliate him. So to be completely honest if it wasn't for that single line I would have given this a 5 out of 10. But don't take it too seriously as I am by no means an expert. But take it as you will.

I do hope to see more entries of this sort. I am sure you can do even better than this.

P.S Looking forward to that book of yours; The Seattle Massacre.

Sincerely EvilMegaCookie.

On the contrary, Nathanial is a very complex character with many emotions. Knowing these kind of people in real life (or being one yourself,) really does help you understand this cliche a lot more. I felt J.J. did a fine job presenting the cliche "Bullied Kid" by giving him less emotion. In reverse to the thought of not being able to connect to the character, you should be able to connect easily with Nathanial if you noticed the details of him playing with his puzzle. This indicates that he is a very smart child and keeps all of his thoughts and feelings to himself--he is a collective person. I found it easy to connect to because I often find myself to be quiet during conversations because I am constantly thinking, I relate this logic to Nathanial and that is my interpretation of what his psychological state is. I may be no psychologist, but quiet people are always thinking, rather than just simply zoning out like zombies and/or being shy. It is a given they'd be socially awkward because they don't communicate much, or hardly ever to be more specific.

Judging a story by character alone is poor critique. There are many different elements that you need to put in factor to making a story and criticizing other stories. This is well known by now and I shouldn't have to re-introduce something J.J. has made point of in his recent article concerning English concepts.

I give the short story, part 1, a 4.5/5. Docked off for the cliffhanger. I hate cliffhangers, however J.J. is letting me make part 2 so I am fine with giving 4.5/5. Besides that digression, I note that the ending was very sweet and cute.

Very well-written and very touching story!
You really did a great job on this.

I also know the whole personality and story of Nathanial, so maybe that makes it even more touching.
I have to wonder though, how others are not touched by it. It's a matter of empathic capabilities, not necessarily personal experiences.

Keep up the good work!
You got some epic new muse, looking forward to your next writings!

Story is amazing. Haven't really read anything besides a few fan fics that keep my attention as much as this does!

Why is it called August 22nd, 2005? Did I miss something in the story?