Valentines Poem: Where did my heart go?

Wrote this today probably sucks and corny but may as well share it




I know I'm not perfect
I know that I'm a mess (Where did my heart go?)
But I keep trying to improve (Where did my heart go?)
You were my first (Where did my heart go?)
You were my only (Where did my heart go?)

I feel alive
When I see you
How could I hurt (Where did my heart go?)
Someone so special to me (Where did my heart go?)

I'm lost without you
The pain, it takes over
Everything (Where did my heart go?)
I need you with me

At night, I see you
In my dreams
In daytime, I see you
And you only

Without you (Where did my heart go?)
I'm walking on a wire
And I will never
Love anyone else (Where did my heart go?)
The way I love you

I know I screwed up (Where did my heart go?)
But I'm still trying
I know I screwed up (Where id my heart go?)

Please, try to understand
The other side
Even if just, for a bit
Please, just have
A little faith in me

Because I know
I can make it right
I know that
We can start again.

I love you.
I love you
I LOVE you!

Where did you go?
Where did you go?
I need you here now!
My heart left with you!
I need it back now!

~Me

I guess it flew out of the window?
You have too much repeating for my taste, and it's way too -cough- immature?

More like a song than a poem.

EDIT: Go explain the difference to her, you Shakespearean Fish. D:

Nour Force wrote:

More like a song than a poem.

But songs are poetry

Songs are poetry, it's a poem.

The thing that makes it seem songlike is the bluntness, it's about as blunt as a teen pop song, and about as repetitive as well. Let's take an example from this poem.
Carol Ann Duffy, the Poet Laureate, wrote this:

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

I'm not her greatest fan but it's an archetypal example of a love poem. Notice Duffy never actually tells you anything straight. She never tells it like it is. She just describes the onion, and makes various metaphors and stuff.

There's an old adage in creative writing, known as "Don't tell, show". It means you don't write, "John was tired as he came home", you write, "John dragged his feet towards the door, every step an eternity of sleeplessness". They say the same thing, just in different ways.
Don't tell, describe.

Use imagery, and metaphor, be flowery and pretty with your language, that's what poems are for. It takes a lot of experience and work to get to the point where you can experiment with other styles and maintain a sense of it actually being a poem.

Also, poems go places. You'll notice the onion.
Step 1: Bring up the onion
Step 2: Make the onion seem romantic
Step 3: Use the onion to say something more romantic.
Step 4: Bring a dark twist in at the end

You're doing, at the moment
Step 1: I LOVE YOU
Step 2: I LOVE YOU
Step 3: PLEASE MARRY ME I'M SORRY FOR WHAT VAGUE NONSPECIFIC SHIT HAPPENED
Step 4: CRRAWWLLLING IN MY SKIIIIINNNNNN

Get a hold of rhythm, momentum, imagery, and developments.
You actually repeated the same thing 3 times for one verse and it just seemed like you had nothing to say.
You used a single image, "i'm walking on a wire", which was totally unexplained and undeveloped, you said it then you just reverted back to angst.
You also keep using brackets and it's unclear on paper how that's meant to go. Needs more explanation. Which doesn't work in the context of a poem because it's read on paper.
Avoid doing those things.