Exclusive Chapter from The Seattle Massacre

Subject: Exclusive Chapter from The Seattle Massacre Fri Jun 24, 2011 1:11 pm

Note: This chapter does not contain any gore. Posting it for reader response.

Chapter Thirteen
October 13th, 2010

Richard pulled in the drive way of 29446 North 18th Avenue, Federal Way. Richard turned off his Chevy Impala after he parked his car between an old truck and a beat up car. Richard got out of the car and looked at the small house before him as he shut the car door. The house had a tan color to it with a green garage door and front door. He looked at the house for several moments before he looked at his watch. It displayed 8:59 P.M.
“I better go knock and see if he is here.” said Richard to himself as he walked towards the front door. He knocked on the door and waited, listening carefully for the sound of noise from within.
“Come in.” said a voice from inside.
He took a deep breath and grabbed the door handle and pushed it open. He stood by the door and looked around the room. To his right was the living room, in front of him was a small hallway that had a few doors; presumably the family's rooms. To his left was the kitchen and dining room. He took a few steps in and realized that on the floor and coffee table were dozens of complete puzzles.
“Ah, good to see you, Detective Holcomb,” said a voice from Richard's left. Richard turned towards the doorways that lead into the kitchen and dining room. A tall man walked towards the door way; he was very pale and had shaggy brown hair that brushed his shoulders. His eyes were blue and had a vacant look. His face was clean shaven and thin. He wore jeans that were too big for him and a plain black sleeveless shirt that showed off his slim, yet muscular build. “Just in time,” he said softly as he turned his head to look at the clock on the wall. “Exactly at nine o'clock.”
Richard narrowed his eyes as he looked at the young man in front of him. Was this really Jack? He fits the description that Jake and Randy gave him perfectly. It must be him. thought Richard as he turned his body to face him. He repressed the urge to throw himself towards Jack and strangle him. “Why exactly am I here?” asked Richard as he fought the impulse to attack Jack.
“Just a friendly conversation,” said Jack as he turned his head and looked at Richard. His lifeless eyes stared calmly into Richard’s face. “Would you like something to drink?” he offered.
“No, I'm fine.” replied Richard.
“Suit yourself,” replied Jack with a shrug as he turned and walked back into the kitchen. Richard followed him, determined not to let Jack out of his sight. He watched Jack walk into the kitchen and towards the refrigerator. He pulled open the door and pulled out a jug of orange juice. He set it on the counter and opened the cupboard above him to grab a tall glass.
“When are you going to release my family?” asked Richard impatiently.
“In due time,” said Jack as he poured orange juice into the glass until it was nearly full. He placed the cap back on, put away the orange juice jug, grabbed his glass of orange juice, and walked towards Richard. “Come, lets settle in the living room.” said Jack calmly as he walked passed Richard and into the living room.
Richard followed him reluctantly, watching Jack's every move. As Jack sat on the couch, he set one of his puzzles on the floor and pulled out a box after he set the orange juice on the coffee table.
“Would you like to do a puzzle with me? It's been five years since I've put together a puzzle with someone.” he said as he opened the box and dumped all the puzzle pieces onto the coffee table.
“If this is what it takes to rescue my family, then fine.” said Richard as he pulled one of the chairs on the opposite side of the table and sat down. Jack scattered the pieces around for a moment so they were well mixed and grabbed a random piece. Richard also grabbed a piece and looked at it. It was mostly white with a small streak of blue.
“The puzzle is an iceberg,” said Jack as he grabbed his third piece and placed by two he had set. A few minutes passed before Richard noticed how good Jack was at puzzles; for every piece Richard placed, Jack placed several. As one side had been completed, Richard looked up at Jack's face. To his surprise, Jack wore a smile that did not suit him and his eyes were no longer vacant, but full of excitement.
“Why are we doing this?” asked Richard.
Jack did not respond. He acted like he hadn't even heard Richard. “This is a fun puzzle, don't you think?” said Jack as the lower half of the puzzle was completed. Richard furrowed his brows in thought.
“Jack, did you ever get tested for any mental illnesses?” asked Richard as he examined Jack's behavior. It was certainly abnormal for someone to behave like this.
“You're falling behind,” replied Jack, again acting like he didn't hear Richard's question. “At this rate, I'm going to finish the puzzle before you even place ten pieces.”
Richard picked up a piece and resumed with the puzzle. He thought that if he completed it, then Jack would be more receptive to his questions. A few minutes passed when Jack placed the last piece of the puzzle on the edge. Jack's smile widened as he looked at the completed puzzle. “That was fun,” said Jack as he looked at Richard. “Thank you for completing this puzzle with me.” he said as he reached for his orange juice and picked it up.
“Jack, have you ever been tested for mental illnesses?” he asked again as Jack took a drink from his glass of orange juice.
“No, I haven’t,” said Jack as he set down the glass half full. “My guardian at the orphanage thought my behavior was strange, but I wasn’t ever tested for any mental illness or social disorders. You see, I'd stay hours in my room by myself, working on puzzles and other games instead of playing with other kids. My guardian thought I was just a recluse, an oddball just like the rest of my peers…” Jack trailed off, the look of excitement disappeared and his features returned to blank.
Richard did not press to ask more about Jack’s life. He knew he couldn't get the answer out of him at this point. “Were you always good with puzzles?” asked Richard
“Oh yes. I loved playing games and solving puzzles,” said Jack as the corner of his lips curved into a small smile. “At a young age, I've always been very good at solving things. I have very good deduction skills and always wanted to be a detective or a police officer when I was growing up,” said Jack before the excitement in his face began to go away. His face returned to a blank expression, his eyes vacant and dream-like as he looked down at the floor. “However certain events occurred in my life that forced me to flee from my home. When I was fifteen, my guardian attacked me when she was under the influence, so I reached for a knife and stabbed her in self-defense. Her assistant walked into the room and I panicked; I killed her too. In blood lust, I killed everyone else who also stayed at the orphanage. When I came too, I realized what I had done. I knew that I had to leave from that hell hole or spend the rest of my life in prison or receive the death penalty. So I destroyed my records and forged a note that made it seem like burglars killed everyone and I was kidnapped. I took all that I could and left the orphanage.” said Jack as he looked up and tilted his head to the side as he looked at Richard.
“What happened after you left the orphanage?” he asked, determined to learn more about Jack's past to unravel his identity so long he permitted it.
“I lived on the outskirts of society for the most part. I broke into people’s homes to steal food and money as I traveled the country side. Every now and then, I had to kill someone to ensure my survival. After a year, I began to kill for pleasure,” he said with a frown. “I found delight in killing. I had killed people out of necessity, so why not for fun? Sometimes I would play games with my victims, but they were no more than simple mind games. I started to try different methods of killing with a knife and other instruments such as baseball bats. It was all very fun until a year ago when the game started to get boring again.”
Jack reached for the desktop that sat beside the chair and grabbed the knife Richard had not noticed before then. Jack held the knife in the palms of his hand, the blade and hilt laid against his thin hands. The blade had several chips in it from constant use over the years. Richard had the sudden desire to reach for the knife and destroy the knife that had taken so many lives.
“I lost that rush that I enjoyed so much,” continued Jack. “I pondered a way to make this game fun again. Then I thought to myself, 'why not get someone to follow me and give them clues?' I did some research to find a great detective that had the skills to catch me. That is how I came to you. I was impressed with your record of solving every crime and your achievement from solving the Slayer Case in 1985 and the Black Scorpion Case in 2005. I knew that if someone could catch me, it was you.”
“So why reveal yourself to me? You lost your advantage,” replied Richard as he looked hard into Jack's face. “I now know what you look like.”
“That’s simple; because I started to fear that you may not be able to catch me,” said Jack as he set the knife on his lap and reached for his orange juice. “After killing Bobby, I felt that you were still at a great disadvantage. So I marked Randy and Jake as my next target and told you. I gave you a big advantage so that I could have a challenge,” he continued after he took a drink from the glass and set it on the coffee table. “I have to admit, I thought you would have more than two officers to guard him and the forensic team at the department. So I killed them one by one until I could get to Randy and Jake.”
“So by meeting me here, you want to make this more challenging.” said Richard.
“Exactly,” said Jack. “By kidnapping your family, I was able to ensure a safe meeting between the two of us so we can resume playing.”
“After this meeting, what do you intend to do?” asked Richard.
“I will give you the location of your family and I will resume killing once more. I will give you more clues for you to follow that will ultimately lead to my capture; if you solve them in time.”
“When are you going to release my family?” asked Richard.
“In due time,” repeated Jack as he reached behind his head scratched the back of it. “Tell you what. I will disclose their location immediately if you can beat me in a game of checkers.” offered Jack.
Richard began to grow impatient. “Jack, please. Tell me where my family is.” said Richard, his voice grew loud as he refrained himself from yelling.
“I will when the time is right.” replied Jack as he reached for the checker board underneath the table.
Richard could not contain himself anymore. He stood up from the chair and grabbed the coffee table by the side and flipped it over. “Release my family now!” yelled Richard, unable to contain his anticipation any longer.
The loud crash of breaking glass and the yelling caused Jack to twitch violently; he fell off the couch and onto the floor. Surprised by how Jack reacted, Richard’s anger subsided slightly as he watched Jack slowly regain his composure and placed a hand on the couch to help himself to his feet. Jack’s hand grasped the handle of the knife tightly as he got up. Richard instinctively reached into his trench coat to reach for his gun before he remembered he did not bring it with him.
“I told you not to yell,” said Jack as he glared at Richard. “I hate loud noises and that was uncalled for.” panted Jack as he stood erect, knife clenched tightly in his hand.
“You kidnapping my family and then stall for time are uncalled for,” said Richard as he glared back at Jack, his anger resurfacing. “I'm done with playing games, I want my family released now.” he demanded, his fists clenched.
Jack looked at Richard for several long moments. “Fine, have it your way,” he said quietly as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. “This is a key that will allow you access to your family. I will call you tomorrow morning when I am sure that you did not betray me and come here with backup. You will wait here until midnight and then you are free to leave.”
Richard took the key as Jack handed it to him and looked at it. It was an old key with chips along the sides. “This will let me see my family again?” he asked.
“Yes, this will unlock the place where I have your family hidden and give you access to them,” replied Jack as he turned away from Richard and walked towards the door. “Remember, I will call you tomorrow morning to tell you the location,” he said as he placed his hand on the handle and turned his head to look at Richard. “After that, we will resume our game.”
“How do I know I can trust you? You could have killed my family already or give me the wrong location on purpose.” said Richard as he glared at Jack.
“To be honest, you can't trust me,” said Jack as he smiled at Richard. “If you can't trust my word, however, then you will never see your family again,” he said as he opened the door and walked out of the house. “You will hear from me tomorrow.” he said before the door closed.
Richard stood rooted to the spot before he sat on the chair and waited. Time seemed to slow down to half of normal speed; every few minutes he'd look at his watch to check the time. Ten o'clock, ten thirty, eleven; by eleven thirty came, he was close to leave the house against Jack's wishes and head back to Seattle, but he could not bring himself to risk it. Richard continued to wait, his foot tapping on the floor in anticipation. When midnight finally arrived, Richard got up from his chair and walked to the front door. He locked the door and walked outside toward his Chevy Impala, the key Jack gave him clenched tightly in his hand.

Very reminiscent of the Hannibal Lecter trilogy, but a bit too casual in tone and mood. The atmosphere just doesn't really project the motives and tension of the characters while the way the characters conversed seemed awkward and don't really characterize them as the classic detective and homicidal maniac they're being portrayed as. Or at least, that's my first impression, and I do criticize a lot.

This doesn't quite have the psychological thrill that your prologue captured so well, but maybe you're saving that one up for the rising action of the story. In any case, this was still a solid introduction, but I feel like there's room for improvement.

There's a few reasons why I wrote the chapter this way. First off, it adds to his character that he's kinda off in his own little world. The Ripper is a quiet and antisocial character. He dislikes people and loud noises, as shown here. Another reason why I wrote the confrontation like this is not what the reader would expect. Like you said, the reader would expect someone like Hannibal Lector. Richard doesn't even think it's him when he first saw Jack. I also added the puzzle scene to show how disconnected he can be. He's highly intelligent, but he's also got his quirks. He's not what you'd expect from an intelligent serial killer. You do see him more methodical when it's from his view point (in this case, it was Richard's.) In the chapters were you see from the Ripper's point of view, you can clearly see that he's more twisted that he lets on. He's an expert at wearing a mask to hide his true agenda. You'll also see that he's a tormented character later on in the series when more about him is revealed. I reveal hardly anything about him in this book.

I understand what you're trying to aim for. I'm not saying that you're trying to mimick another style, but the classic setup is basically a detective plays mind games with a homicidal maniac. The tone you're creating right now doesn't give me the feeling that I'm really seeing the interaction of a supposedly legendary detective against a brilliant but detached sociopath. The childish characterization you've created for Jack helps illustrate his character, but I personally don't like it too much. It reminds me of a mix between L and Near, although they're both similar enough as it is. Richard on the other hand fits into the role of a stereotypical detective well, but his characterization is somewhat lacking and leaves much to be expected to make him a unique or compelling character.

Then again, maybe I'm being too critical. I blame my English teacher for making me try to be 'original' all the time. I'll take your word for a more unique development later with the change in perspective. And don't take me the wrong way for sounding harsh, this is all my personal opinion on it and should no way be considered anything else. Also, I'd like to find out more about the story because it is intriguing.

» - Story of the Shadows - Part 1 -
» The Beginning of the N: Chapter 8
» Trails of Blood: Exclusive Chapter
» The Beginning of the N: Chapter 9
» The Beginning of the N: Chapter 25